What is Attachment Theory?

Your attachment style shapes how you connect with others, how safe closeness feels, and how you respond to conflict in relationships, often without you realizing it.

Attachment theory, originally founded by John Bowlby, explains how our earliest bonds with caregivers between the ages of 0 and 3 shape subconscious patterns that guide our emotions, behaviors, and relationship dynamics throughout adulthood.

In other words, the way you learned to seek comfort, connection, and safety as an infant often becomes the blueprint for how you show up in romantic relationships later in life.

For example, if connection felt inconsistent or unsafe early on, you might find yourself craving closeness while also feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or shut down when it actually appears. Or on the flipside, if the connection felt smothering, overwhelming and unsafe in childhood, in adulthood you might find that distance and alone time feels more safe temporarily, however painful in the long run. 

Why should I care about my attachment style?

If you experience confusion, instability, or emotional ups and downs in your relationships, understanding your attachment style can feel like suddenly becoming fluent in a language you have been struggling to speak.

Learning about your attachment style can help you make sense of why certain relationships feel so triggering, why you are drawn to specific types of partners, and why the same painful patterns can repeat even when you genuinely want something different.

Rather than blaming yourself or overanalyzing every interaction, attachment theory offers context and compassion for your reactions and behaviors.

What are the attachment styles?

There are four main attachment styles.

1. Secure
   People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy, communication, and emotional closeness.
   
   

2. Anxious Preoccupied
   This style often involves a strong, unrelenting desire for connection along with a fear of abandonment or rejection.
   
   

3. Dismissive Avoidant
   Dismissive avoidant attachment tends to prioritize independence and can feel uncomfortable and unsafe with emotional vulnerability.
   
   

4. Fearful Avoidant
   This style often experiences a push and pull between wanting closeness and fearing being hurt.
   
   

Like most things in life, attachment styles are not black and white. They exist on a spectrum, and many people identify with traits from more than one style depending on the relationship or situation.

How Attachment Coaching Can Help

Understanding your attachment style is a powerful first step, but real change happens when these patterns are worked with in real time.

Attachment coaching helps you identify how your attachment style shows up in your thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and supports you in building new responses that feel safer, more regulated, and more aligned with the connection you want.

If you are ready to explore your attachment style with guidance and support, you can book a discovery call to see if working together feels like a good fit.